The Captain
Peepin’ Tom.

Peepin’ Tom.

If you want an expensive hobby worth pursuing, take up sailing. At least you get to travel the world—instead of being stuck in the same bar with backyard Beyoncé week after week.

If you want an expensive hobby worth pursuing, take up sailing. At least you get to travel the world—instead of being stuck in the same bar with backyard Beyoncé week after week.

Putting bourbon in your coffee is the easiest way to make a Monday feel like a Saturday.

Putting bourbon in your coffee is the easiest way to make a Monday feel like a Saturday.

Throwback to the time I voluntarily allowed myself to be covered in dicks, wieners, skin hogs, and whatever else you want to call the male anatomy. I don’t think anybody really understood what I was doing, but there was a real method behind my radness:

Wanna make a lot of friends quickly in a new town? Simple, invest in a Sharpie and give strangers the opportunity to draw a dick on your leg. Two reasons why this is the best icebreaker ever: one, it’s easy—everybody can draw a penis—you don’t need any kind of serious art skills. Two, anybody that denies the offer to draw a wiener on some random dude is lame; and someone you don’t want to be friends with anyway. Sure you look stupid, and most people will think you’re retarded, but, that’s kind of the point. Because let me tell you, I didn’t have to pay for the majority of my drinks that night, every bouncer was automatically on my side, I was easily the favorite patron at the strip club, and scattered amongst the foreskin, testicles, and cum stains were the numbers from a dozen or so good-looking women who decided they’d like to get to know me further. Check and mate.

Throwback to the time I voluntarily allowed myself to be covered in dicks, wieners, skin hogs, and whatever else you want to call the male anatomy. I don’t think anybody really understood what I was doing, but there was a real method behind my radness:

Wanna make a lot of friends quickly in a new town? Simple, invest in a Sharpie and give strangers the opportunity to draw a dick on your leg. Two reasons why this is the best icebreaker ever: one, it’s easy—everybody can draw a penis—you don’t need any kind of serious art skills. Two, anybody that denies the offer to draw a wiener on some random dude is lame; and someone you don’t want to be friends with anyway. Sure you look stupid, and most people will think you’re retarded, but, that’s kind of the point. Because let me tell you, I didn’t have to pay for the majority of my drinks that night, every bouncer was automatically on my side, I was easily the favorite patron at the strip club, and scattered amongst the foreskin, testicles, and cum stains were the numbers from a dozen or so good-looking women who decided they’d like to get to know me further. Check and mate.

I feel like I’d be a great single dad.

I feel like I’d be a great single dad.

I decided I like my election photo better in color, so I’m posting it again because it’s never too early to start recruiting voters for my run at president in 2028. Same picture, same campaign slogan: The Captain, because he puts the shit, in ‘No Bullshit.’ #aFaceYouCanTrust

I decided I like my election photo better in color, so I’m posting it again because it’s never too early to start recruiting voters for my run at president in 2028. Same picture, same campaign slogan: The Captain, because he puts the shit, in ‘No Bullshit.’ #aFaceYouCanTrust

To be honest, I’m a total sucker for fall fashion. Probably because sweaters remind me of my grandma; is that weird?

To be honest, I’m a total sucker for fall fashion. Probably because sweaters remind me of my grandma; is that weird?